Now there's A.D. - After Divorce.
And there was a whole M.E. in between - Marital Era. I mean no irony while giving the M.E. the initials that spell me. Although while living in it I felt that I was giving myself over to others' needs, the truth is that both my husband and myself put the needs of our children first, and then our own individual needs, rather than those of the spouse.
Thanks to counseling, I'm able to clearly see a lot of the passive-aggressive stuff I pulled. Not some of my finer moments, for sure.
I was heartsick for a long time and didn't realize it. My husband is a non-believer. I always knew that. We've known each other since we were twelve. Some of his biggest life battles were with his parents taking him to church. I had friends warn me about being unevenly yoked, but I was in love.
Even now, knowing what I know, I still would have married him. Not only was I crazy about the guy, but we were blessed with two wonderful children and a lot of happy years together. Yet I can see why we are advised to marry other believers. My husband was jealous of God. A wise pastoral counsel explained that my husband was his own god. So I became disobedient to both God and to my husband.
My faith journey was lonely since I could not share it with the person I loved the most. He desired more intimacy in the bedroom. I desired more intimacy on a very deep, spiritual level.
Life A.D., just as in our Christian calendar signifying Anno Domini, washes away the hurt and sorrow. I no longer need to tiptoe around my love of Jesus in order to protect someone else's fragile ego. There is a freedom that I find in becoming obedient to the Lord. The older I get, the more faith-filled I become.
I'm reading a book by Julie Morgenstern called S.H.E.D. I loved her other book, Organizing from the Inside Out. This one is specifically geared to people going through a major life transition. I've only been through the first couple of chapters. In order to heave out possessions, habits and commitments that do not serve the life we wish to lead, she recommends establishing a one or two-word theme to envision the life you're creating.
The theme of my life now is Peace. I seek inner peace and am in the process of decluttering anything that gets in the way of that. I pray that the temptations I face will be defeated with God's help. I pray that when I am discouraged in my walk I will be lifted up again. And I pray the prayer of St. Francis:
- Lord, make me an instrument of your peace;
- where there is hatred, let me sow love;
- where there is injury, pardon;
- where there is doubt, faith;
- where there is despair, hope;
- where there is darkness, light;
- and where there is sadness, joy.
- O Divine Master,
- grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled as to console;
- to be understood, as to understand;
- to be loved, as to love;
- for it is in giving that we receive,
- it is in pardoning that we are pardoned,
- and it is in dying that we are born to Eternal Life.