Saturday, January 7, 2012
We are all connected and everything we do becomes part of who we are. My behaviors impact my emotions, my physical health, my spiritual well-being. My environment is absorbed into a level of my soul.
My yearly ritual the first week of January is to do a home blessing. I tour my home top to bottom, cleansing, organizing and purging. On my weekly and daily cleanings I generally play upbeat music, but for the annual home blessing I'm in silent contemplation. Once I'm satisfied with my space I light a candle. As is my home, so am I.
This year it was a particularly meaningful time because of how much I've changed. The move I had been planning to make to North Carolina to be nearer my parents didn't go as planned. Now I know I'll live in this home until I retire. I'm content with that and so are my folks.
I have been delivered from the quicksand of anger that I referenced in an earlier post. Indeed, my psyche is in the best place it's ever been.
My ex-husband remarried in October. As a result I was able to spend time with both of my sons. Healing has occurred among the principle players in various combinations. Around the time of the wedding I started reading a book that a dear friend gave me called Rain on Me: Devotions of Hope & Encouragement for Difficult Times by Holley Gerth. A scripture verse that I took into my heart was "I have loved you with an everlasting love; I have drawn you with loving-kindness." Jeremiah 31:3
Do my actions align with someone who has been drawn with loving-kindness? Self-righteousness and compassion cannot co-exist. The battle is waged within me. I know which will win, but the struggle continues. I decided I needed to create the behavior before my heart could change. Fake it till you make it.
Every night I go through my prayer list which always includes family and friends, as well as prayers of intercession. I added my ex's name and his new wife to the list. At first I said their names grudgingly, like the kid who doesn't want to clean his room but does it anyway mumbling under his breath the entire time. But I kept at it. Every single night. And throughout the day. When I see something that reminds me of my marriage I ask for God's blessing on a new marriage that doesn't include me. I've experienced the peace that passes understanding.
I'm bolder now than I've ever been. My environment is reflecting that change. I've dyed my hair red, which my friends have said is the "real" me. My kitchen has gone from off white to a striking mustard/burgundy. I'm comfortable saying Yes and No with great clarity and no guilt.
My home is ready for the new year. So am I.