Saturday, May 29, 2010

Heartache Has Healed Me

 I feel a bit like Humpty Dumpty, sitting on a wall, falling down, creating a mess and no one can put me together again.

That was how I felt when my husband told me he wanted a divorce. Although I had faith that God would help me get through the sorrow, I had no vision for what my future could possibly look like. I was fearful that my loving heart was forever wounded. My primary goal for a long time was simply to protect myself from being hurt again.

I did all the things that people do in my situation: sob, deny, become angry, read every self-help book on the market, wear out my friends, become totally self-absorbed, worry about my children and whether or not they'd blame me, feel guilty, go through every hypothetical scenario imaginable by revisiting a 30-year marital history ("If only I had said this in 1989, maybe he wouldn't have left in 2009.")

Slowly, my attitude began to shift. I would not ever want to go through this process again and I don't wish it on anyone. That said, I'm seeing a change in me for the better.

When your heart breaks, it opens up. Just like Humpty Dumpty with that yolk running all over the place, there is no longer a shell surrounding me. I'm more vulnerable and defenseless than I've ever been. And that's a good thing.

I find wisdom everywhere. In the Bible, naturally, there are passages that have a particular impact on me now that were merely words before.

Just this morning I read this passage from Romans 8:38-39 - - -

I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

Our Father has lifted me through family, friends and media in ways that I could never imagine. To be sure, I'm still in the midst of it. The divorce process is unbearably long, and yet I will be able to bear it.

The paradox is this: Vulnerability strengthens us.  Only by admitting my weaknesses, faults, and injuries can I use them to grow into the life I am meant to have.

In The Age of Miracles by Marianne Williamson, the following prayer is offered for those of us dealing with the pain of a break-up.

Dear God,
Please melt
the walls in front of my heart.
Remove my fear
and restore my joy,
that I might love again.

I'm more open now than I've ever been in my life. The walls (or shell) in front of my heart haven't been melted; they've been crushed entirely. I simply have nothing left to hide.

Faithfully yours


Cindy said...

Very well said Linda.

sewmeow said...

I too am divorced and my husband left me and our 3 kids for the daughter of our best friends. I am a much better woman/God's child today than I was back then.

You are in my prayers, Linda. GOD will heal the hurt. Look up, not back. Thanks for sharing with me.